10 Things Nobody Tells You About Losing A Parent

GUEST POST | Nobody wants to think about their parents dying, we want them to be around forever. Most of us expect our parents to die before us, it’s surprising how complex and deep the grief can be even though we have this expectation. It’s painful when a parent dies after a long and happy life, if they died young or unexpectedly this can be very difficult to cope with. Of course, if that relationship has broken down and is no longer there and your parent is still alive, you will still grieve for that lost relationship. They were your parents, they were there since you were born, after all.

Hello, I’m Linz from sunsetsbooksandwine.com and I’m pleased to be writing a guest post for Kayleigh and her wonderful blog. Hopefully you will be able to relate to this post and take something from it. Kayleigh sadly lost her father three Christmasses ago, Christmas can be a painful reminder of those that aren’t here, and I know that Kayleigh’s dad will be watching over her and would be so proud of her achievements.

Here’s a little bit about my loss.

I lost my dad when I was 26. At the young age of 26 my life changed drastically. My dad was 48 when he died of a brain haemorrhage, it was unexpected and tragic. Suddenly, the head of our family and the glue that held us all together was gone. A daughter looks up to her dad from being a baby to becoming a woman. I had nobody to look up to anymore and nobody to guide me, even if I never did listen to him. Another few months later and my mum was gone, a part of her went when my dad died, and the rest gradually followed. By the age of 27 I had no parents. I’m lucky to have the support of my partner, my sister and her husband because I don’t know where I would be now without them. 

Its been a strange ten years since Dad died and I’ve learnt a lot about death and grief along the years, which I will share with you.

Please note this is based on my experience of losing my parents, I understand every loss and each person’s circumstances will be different, I hope this helps in some way.  

You Won’t Be Ready

People talk about the natural order and how parents are expected to die before their children. Yes, it’s natural for your parent to die before you, however, this won’t make it any easier and you won’t be ready for it. Nothing will prepare you for how you are going to feel, however your relationship was when they were alive. Your parent will die, and it will hit you hard. Some days will be a blur, some years will be a blur, some days it won’t feel real and some days it will feel very real. Nothing could have prepared me for losing my parents.

You Will Change

The day your parent dies is the day you will change as a person. Your childhood days will be long behind you no matter how old you are. You will never be the same again. Nothing will ever be the same again. The way you look at things and deal with things will change. I used to be carefree and not much would bother me, now I’m getting anxious about things I’m unable to control. I find the smaller things bother me, but I’m not bothered about the things that maybe should bother me.

The Grief Process Takes A Long Time

In 1969, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross described five popular stages of grief, popularly referred to as DABDA, see below.

It has taken me many years to get to the acceptance stage, I feel like 8 years of my life have been put on hold in one way or another whilst I reached this stage. Give yourself time to work through things.

Denial – You will feel like life makes no sense, has no meaning and is too overwhelming. You start to deny your parent is dead, you live in a preferable reality rather than an actual reality, and you may feel numb or confused. The shock makes you wonder how your life can go on and life as you know it has changed in an instant, you may feel scared.

Anger – When you start to live in actual reality anger will start to set in. You will think ‘why me or ‘life’s not fair’ and you may feel frustrated or irritated and anxious. It’s important to truly feel the anger, it’s important and necessary to begin the grieving process.

Bargaining – You may struggle to find meaning. This stage is a sense of false hope, an endless state of asking what if, ‘what if I’d gone to visit Dad in Devon as I should have’, ‘what if id been a better daughter’. ‘What if he’d been to the doctors about his migraines and he could have been treated sooner’.

Depression – Overwhelmed, helplessness and hostility. This is the most accepted form of grief and it is a present emotion. You might withdraw from life, you don’t want to be around others, you might even feel suicidal as you want to be with them. You might have wished it was you rather than them that had died.

Acceptance – You may explore your options and put a new plan in place then eventually feel like you need to move on. Your emotions become more stable as you come to terms with the new reality that your parent is never coming back. There are good days and bad days. You know your parent will never be replaced but you start to see life without them.

You Will Need to Organise Their Affairs

First the death needs to be registered within 5 days (in England) to receive a death certificate and then the funeral will need to be arranged. You’ll get a ‘certificate for a burial’ to give to the funeral director or an application for a cremation which you need to complete and give to the crematorium. You must do one of these before the funeral can take place. You can pay for a funeral director to arrange the funeral or do it yourself. You should check if your parent had planned for their funeral, this could include prepaid funeral plans or life insurance. Check to see if they had a will.

The government website https://www.gov.uk/after-a-death gives more information about what to do when someone dies. It also tells you if you can apply for financial help and how to deal with their estate and possessions. You may also need to settle any accounts they had including bank, credit card loans- those companies will be able to advise their processes. This may fall under another family members responsibility; this should help you talk to them about what needs to be done if they are unable to. Its not a great time to have to organise things but it needs doing.

I’m so lucky that my brother in law stepped in to help as he had experience of what needed to be done. I will be forever thankful for everything he did, from driving us to Devon to organising the paperwork and being there for us back home.

There Are A Lot of Anniversaries

There are all the firsts, first birthday, first Christmas, first Mothers/Father’s Day, first anniversary of their death. Which then become all the seconds, then thirds and so on. I’m on my tenth of everything and though some events are worse than others, I struggle with Father’s Day and Christmas, it does become more normal to be without them as time goes on. My dad didn’t make it to his 50^th birthday, so there are all those anniversaries too. One day I will become 48, the age he died and that will be quite strange to be the same age as how I will always remember my dad. I won’t remember him becoming elderly and fragile, he died young and strong.  

Grief Comes in Waves

There hasn’t been a day in the last ten years that each day of grief has ever felt the same as another. Each day has brought varying depths of grief, one day it may just be a passing thought after hearing a song or smelling a familiar smell that reminds me of dad. Other days it feels like my heart is being ripped from my chest and I feel like I might never be able to stop crying. It can be from one extreme to the other within minutes. One day I can be happily working away, chatting to my colleagues about something on telly then suddenly I’m running to the toilets to cry my eyes out because that wave of grief just hit me again. It happens when you least expect it and in different strengths. Some days it’s a calm steady ocean, some days it’s a ripple on a breezy day and other days it’s the biggest tsunami of grief that knocks you off your feet.

You’ll Wish You Spoke to Them About Their Death

In an ideal world we would all have organised our funerals so when the time comes that part is done, and we can concentrate on grieving. Unfortunately, people don’t want to or can’t think about it, and as most deaths come as a shock anyway, the conversation is left unsaid. You’ll worry about if you are giving them the best send off they deserve, you’ll worry about what coffin to choose, what flowers to get and what songs to play. Try and have that conversation, even if its just a quick ten minute chat about what they want when they die. If you don’t want to ask about their funeral, just find out what their favourite song or flower is, something is better than nothing. Luckily my sister took charge of my Dads funeral as best as she could under the circumstances, whilst I looked after my mum.    

It Never Gets Easier

I cringe when people say ‘it will get easier’ to someone, they may mean well or not know what else to say but it’s not true. Time is a healer but that doesn’t mean you won’t feel grief after ten years like you did in the first few years. Just this week I experienced grief like dad had only died recently. It doesn’t get easier; you just learn to live with it. Grief is love that has nowhere to go.

You Will Be Happy Again

When you first lose a parent, you feel like you wont ever be happy again. That first time you smile or laugh after they have died you feel so guilty. Why should you be happy, when your parent has just died! It takes time but you eventually begin to see the good in life again and you want to make your parents proud. You will start to see the light at the end of the tunnel as you work through your emotions and the grief process. Please know that you will be happy again.

People Will Forget You Are Grieving

Just after you lose your parent, the family rallies round to make sure everyone is ok. Everyone gets together for the funeral to say goodbye and the support continues from colleagues and friends. Eventually everyone goes back to their lives, life goes on and they begin living normally again. Years go by and people get on with their lives, you may reminisce when you see family members and you’ll toast the family members that won’t be there at Christmas or Weddings. More years go by and you may change jobs or gain new friends and these people may or may not know you lost a parent. As you get on with your life and your achievements and being happy, people forget you are still grieving. If they don’t know, they may assume you’ll see your parent at Christmas, or it may not cross their mind at all. They may speak of others who have lost their parents not realising that you understand as you have lost yours. People will forget you are grieving, make sure you keep speaking to others who are grieving still. Keep the memory of the person alive and speak of their life as if they were still there.

Thank you for reading. If you are struggling please make sure you speak to family or friends. There is bereavement help available, check online for your local counsellors or local groups you can attend.

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