Guest Post | Hi, I’m Lindsey and write about all things lifestyle, books and beauty related over on my website lindseybrogan.com

Thank you to Kayleigh for letting me guest post on her website. Grieving has been a huge contributor of my poor mental health and well-being over the last eleven years. As I write this post, it is Mental Health Awareness Week in the UK and we need to make sure we continue to support, talk and spread the word about mental health and grieving.

If this post helps you, you may also find 10 things nobody tells you about losing a parent helpful. Why not come and say hello over on Twitter.

My Story

1^st July 2021 marks eleven years since my dad died aged 48 and I lost my mum not long after. I went from being a happy 26 year old to a decade of anxiety and struggles, and I also felt about 50 years old. Please see my post – a letter to my wonderful dad.

This last year has been the most difficult, for many people. Losing a loved one is the worst thing to ever happen to someone, but to have it happen during a pandemic or because of the pandemic is going to make people’s lives more difficult over the next decade or so. People’s mental health is going to suffer now more than ever, whether you lost a family member or didn’t. This pandemic has affected everyone.

In this post I want to talk about how you can be there for someone who is grieving. Most people aren’t sure what to do or say to their close ones under tragic circumstances. It changes all dynamics of relationships; it can be the most difficult and devastating thing to ever happen to someone.

Relationships can become strained and neglected when someone is grieving. They may change as a person as they go through the mourning process. They need those closest to them to be understanding and give them space to adapt and live without the person who died.

Not all these ways will help everyone, all the time, but if it can help a little in some way, then that can only be good for your relationship with the bereaved. Hopefully they will find it a tiny bit easier with your support.

How to support someone who is grieving

Use the right language

This may be personal preference, but I do prefer to refer to people dying as dying or dead. I don’t use lost or passed away, it takes away the significance and importance of the situation whether it is meant to or not.

I always tell people that my dad died, it makes it feel real for them and myself when I say it. If you say you have lost someone, you just sound careless and it could mean many things, leading to questions that you don’t feel ready to answer or feel you don’t need to answer but now that person is confused and needs you to answer.

Talk about the person who died

Say their name, out loud. Talk about their memories, good and bad. By speaking about what you remember of the person you are giving the grieving person more memories of the person who died, and it can do wonders. It will open up the conversation and they will feel like they can talk to you about their feelings. It shows you really do care.

Respect their boundaries

Hopefully you know enough about the person who is grieving that when they say they want to be left alone, you know if they really mean it or not. A grieving person may show boundaries in different ways, one person may not reply to text messages or phone calls whilst another may rely on you and want messages all the time.

If they don’t feel like going out let them grieve in peace or offer another alternative to what you were going to do. They might not want to go to the pub, but they might just need a friend over with a bottle of wine and a box of tissues. Find out if they need someone or want to be alone.

Listen

Listen to the grieving person, they may be saying things you don’t want to hear but show that you are listening. Don’t just hear them, take notice of what they are saying. Sometimes they may say things they don’t mean but this might give you a big indicator of where they are at and if they may need professional help.

Don’t feel like you need to feel the silences with light-hearted chatter or small talk. Listen to what they are saying and see where you may have opportunities in the conversation to question them further and that person might talk in more detail with you.

Don’t make it about you

When you talk to a grieving person and make it about you, they may instantly put barriers up and not want to talk any further. This can be dangerous for their healing process and make them feel even more lonely. If they think it might be upsetting you it can make them feel worse, they don’t need that right now.

When they start talking about their feelings and grief, don’t talk about when someone you knew died. It isn’t the same, it doesn’t feel the same, all grief is different, and every situation is different. You might feel like you understand, but you don’t.

If you feel you need someone to talk to about your grief, just after someone else’s person died isn’t the right time. Find another time. The right time will come when you can both share your grief. You can share their grief, that would be more helpful. Please note that grief isn’t a competition, yes I had to say that as it does happen sometimes.

Cry with them

When you cry with a grieving person you show that you care and had connections with the person who died, or you just care about the grieving persons feelings. If you feel comfortable doing this, don’t be afraid to.

Have patience

The grieving person is having a hard time and doesn’t always see the effect it has on another person, they are consumed by all these new feelings that they may not have experienced before to that extent.

If they lash out at you or put up blocks with you, have patience, they are just reacting to feelings that they are having, and they don’t know how to react. Don’t take it personally and try not to react back. Ask how you can help them, how you can make it slightly easier for them or just be there to listen to them.

They may feel scared, lonely and worried that it might happen again so they may choose to push you away. It’s a common response but its one that you can recognise and use communication to stop happening.

Invite them out for walks

Taking a walk is a good way of getting someone to talk about how they are feeling. It takes away the face to face aspect and gives them a neutral space to talk about how they are feeling. Fresh air and a walk round a park or lake is good for getting them out and about, it gives them another focus when they see that life goes on and everything is going to be ok. Life won’t be the same again for them, but it will be ok.

So, there we go, hopefully you can take something away from that and know a little bit more about how to help and support a grieving person. Of course, every situation is different and where one way might help it might not help in another way.

Please make sure you also have someone to talk to and some support, supporting a grieving person can be a draining experience and you also need people to talk to. If you are struggling or feel the bereaved person needs professional help, please refer them to a counsellor or other help which you can find online.

If you enjoyed this head over and read 10 Things Nobody Tells You About Losing A Parent and Understanding And Coping With Grief At Christmas